FUNNY MESSAGES

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Wakati jamaa yuko CHINA

aliwatumia wazazi dawa ya

kurudisha ujana. Baada ya mwezi alirudi nchini na kupokelewa na dada mwenye mtoto mchanga.

Jamaa akamuuliza dada,baba na mama wako wapi?

Dada kamjibu, Mimi ni mama yako na niliyembeba ni baba yako yeye alizidisha doz...Jamaa akazimia.

UNACHEZEA MCHINA WEWE.

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Ona hasara za kuzaa nje ya ndoa,kuna kijana alitaka kuoa

akamwambia baba yake kuwa

anaomba akamposee msichana fulani, baba yake akamwambia tafuta mwingine yule ni dadaako ila

mamaako hajui, ucmwambie. Kijana akatafuta mwingine; baba akamwambia pia na huyo ni dadaako ila tena mamaako hajui.Na msichana wa 3 nae tena hivyo hivyo.

Kijana akamaindi, ikabidi amwambie mamaake. Mamaake akasema; kaoe

yeyote kati yao, yeye huyo pia sio babaako,ila yeye nae hajui tu.

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Nidhamu wakati wa kula:- 

MTOTO:baba hebu angalia........

BABA: weh hebu nyamaza nilishakukataza kuongea wakati unakula alaaa!,

walipomaliza kula

BABA: enhe!Niambie ulikuwa unataka kusemaje?

MTOTO: nilikuwa nataka kukwambia kwenye sahani yako kulikuwa na mende

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Jamaa alikuwa anasafiri kwenda Ulaya,akamwambia dereva wake ampeleke AirPort.Wakiwa njiani akakumbuka kuna document amesahau,akamwamuru dereva ageuze gari.

Alipofika nyumbani alimkuta mkewe akiwa bafuni anaoga akaamua kumnyemelea na kumshika kiuno.Mke akiwa na

mapovu usoni akalitaja jina la dereva,

weh"Hancy" Umeshamfikisha yule "msenge"Airport?

Acha nikuoshee mashine yako utaifaidi mwezi mzima,"

Je ingekuwa wewe ungefanya nini?

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Jamaa flani alimdanganya demu wake kuwa anasomea hotel management. Siku moja huyo demu akamkuta jamaa anaosha vyombo kwa mama ntilie akamuuliza "bebi vp mbona uko hapa?" jamaa bila uwoga akamjibu "Niko field work."

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Jamaa watatu walikodisha chumba kwenye hotel ya ghorofa 60, wao wakapata ghorofa ya mwisho kabisa,

wakapanda kwa lift na asubuhi wakashuka kwa lift.

Jioni walivyorudi wakakuta umeme umekatika wakakubaliana wapande ngazi huku wakipiga stori:

* Wakwanza apige za kutisha kuanzia ghorofa 1 mpaka ya 20,

* Wapili apige za kuchekesha kuanzia 21 mpaka ya 40,

* Watatu apige za kuhuzunisha kuanzia 41 mpaka 60,Wakapanda walivyofika ghorofa ya 59 yule watatu akasema...

..."Hii ndio itakua ya kuhuzunisha zaidi,,, TUMESAHAU KUCHUKUA

FUNGUO PALE RECEIPTION!"

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Ndoa ilikuwa inafungwa kanisani, 

PASTA akatangaza: "Yeyote mwenye pingamizi la ndoa hii kufungwa aje mbele.."

Ghafla BABU mmoja kikongwe akajitokeza kutoka nyuma ya kanisa na kuanza kusongea mbele..

Bibi harusi kuona kikongwe yule akisogea mbele, akatetemeka na kuzimia.

PASTA: Haya sema pingamizi lako..

KIKONGWE: Nimeamua kuja mbele...kule nyuma siskii vizuri.

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TUSAIDIANE KATIKA HILI WAUNGWANA!!!!!!.......

Umerudi na maks mbovu kutoka shule, baba yako anaamua kumwandikia mwalimu barua ya kulaani ufundishaji wa siku hizi.
Anamwandikia mwalimu barua ifuatayo:-

"DEAR inGiLISH TEASHER,
PLESE I aM NOT LIKE oNi HOW YO GIVED MY CHILDiREN 2/10 IN tHe iNGLiSh EZAMS. I HAVE LOOKED AT THE THING HE IS COLLECT SO WHY YOU GIVED mY HIM ChilDiRen BOy 2/10????.....
WHAT IS THE WHY FOR THE LITTLE MARKS NOW?

YOURS HUNGRY PALENT.......

Je, Utaipeleka kwa mwalimu wako?????!!!!!!!!!!.........

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Jamaa mgeni kabisa kaajiriwa

kwenye kampuni-akapewa supervisor mwanamke.

Supervisor: mheshimiwa,unaitwa nani?

Jamaa: Naitwa John...

Supervisor: John nani? Unajua jambo ambalo nimegundua ni kua watu wakianza kuitana kwa majina

ya kwanza,mnazoeana na kazi haitofanyika. Mie si rafiki yako,mimi ni supervsor wako.Kwa hivyo nipe jina lako la pili upesi ndio nitakalokuita nayo!

Jamaa:naitwa John Mmewangu.

Supervisor: haya bwana John,

endelea na kazi...sijabishaaaa!

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A DEDICATION TO ALL BOYS/MEN:

Once she gets attached, 

she's loyal, 

she's committed, 

she's honest, 

she's faithful,

she's dependable,

she's caring.

But you know what comes with that? 

She's jealous,

she's clingy, 

she's annoying, 

she's over protective , 

she's emotional, 

she's crazy.

You could push her away, 

but she'll still come back to you. 

You could piss her off,

but she can never stay mad at you. 

You could lie to her, 

but she'll still try to trust you. 

You could keep making mistakes, but she'll forgive you over & over again. 

She has no dime but she can save the little she gets to call you, 

text you just to know how you are doing. 

You could make her hate you, 

but she'll start loving you all over again. 

Men, 

If you have got such a kind of girl or lady, 

just don't let her go. 

Do whatever it takes for both of you to last forever. 

If you pissed her off, 

Go and apologize to her, 

if you have been disrespecting her, 

dude just cease that.

Make her feel special if you truly love her.

You may take her for granted now but once she goes out of your life that's when you will realize what she meant to you.

You'll miss her, 

cry and plead for her butshe will be gone forever. 

So if you still have that chance use it.

Think about it guys and act accordingly.

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No one can go back and change a bad beginning.

But anyone can start and create a successful ending.

Every successful person has a painful story. Every painful story has a successful ending. 

Accept pain and get ready 4 success.

Have a good start on your life. Life never comes as how we want, but it comes as we struggle, but more effort without GOD is like pushing the car while you are inside! Have a good beaning with God today

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UJINGA NI........?

 1.Ujinga ni kuweka majani ya chai kwenye Sprite ili iwe cocacola 

2. Ujinga ni kufikiri Mzungu ana kivuli cheupe 

3. Ujinga ni kudhani kuwa kuna wakala wa facebook Pesa. 

4. Ujinga ni kumkimbia simba porini wakati ulikuwa unaenda kujinyonga 

5. Ujinga ni kujifanya umeokoka sana mpaka ugali unasongea msalaba 

6. Ujinga ni kutoa mimba halafu unalala na mdoli 

7. Ujinga ni kujamba mbele za watu ukiwa umevaa headphone ukidhani hawatasikia?

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Dont depend too much on anyone in ths world because  even your own shadow leaves you when your in darkness.. Gd9t,,,,,


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MC anamsifia Bi. Harusi,

"sasa nawapa sifa kubwa ya Bibi harusi.

Tangu... namfahamu yeye huwa havai nguo za ndani."

Watu wote ukumbini wakaduwaa!

Bwn harusi macho yakamtoka,

Bi harusi akaanza kutetemeka.

MC,akasema

"Narudia tena kwa msisitizo na sijakosea.

Bi.Harusi huyu huwa  havai kabisa nguo za ndani.

Yeye anavaa nguo za nje tu.

Kutoka Italy,England na USA,si za Tz. Hebu mshangilieni."

Kila mtu "Ahaaaa!!

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Fundi majeneza alipata oda ya Jeneza akawa anapeleka kwa gari lake. Njiani gari ikaharibika, akaamua kubeba kichwani kumpelekea mteja wake, njiani akakutana na askari wanne wakiwa doria,  akajua lazima watataka rushwa.

Askari;- Unakwenda wapi na hilo jeneza usiku huu?

Jamaa:- Nilikuwa nimezikwa makaburi ya Sinza sijapapenda ndo naelekea Kinondoni nikajizike karibu na Kanumba au mnanishaurije ndugu zangu?... Acha askari watimue mbio!! wakajua ni mzimu.

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Sitaki Chafuka Mie!!!!!................

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A married woman entered a

Pharmacy, walked to the

Pharmacist, looked straight into

his eyes and said, 'I would like to

buy FAST HUMAN POISON'.

The Pharmacist asked, 'why,

what... for? The lady replied, 'I

need it to poison my husband'.

The Pharmacist shouted, 'Lord

have mercy, it’s against the law!

It’s a sin.

'Absolutely not', shouted the lady.

She reached into her bag and

pulled out a picture of her

husband in bed with the

Pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the

picture and screamed, 'Why didn’t

you tell me you had a

Prescription.??

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Kina mama na waume zao.

Kundi la wake za watu walikuwa kwenye semina kuhusu namna ya kuishi kwa upendo katika ndoa. Muwezeshaji akauliza, wangapi wanawapenda waume zao? Wote wakanyoosha mikono. Akauliza tena, ‘Mara ya mwisho umemwambia mumeo nakupenda lini?. Majibu mbalimbali yalitolewa, Wengine wakisema Leo, wengine Jana, wengine hawakumbuki. Kisha akawaambia, kila mtu achukue simu yake halafu amtumie mumewe text yenye maneno. NAKUPENDA MPENZI, kisha wabadilishane simu. Wakaambiwa kila moja asome majibu kwenye simu aliyoshika, majibu yalikuwa kama ifuatavyo;

Simu 1- Samahani nani mwenzangu?

Simu 2- He Mama Joji unaumwa?

Simu 3- Nami pia daima

Simu 4- Nini tena umeshagonga gari?

Simu 5- Sijakuelewa una maana gani

Simu 7- Umefanya nini tena? Leo sitakusamehe

Simu 8-Chukua taim yako

Simu 9-?!?

Simu 10- Acha kuzunguka unataka shilingi ngapi?

Simu 11 – Hivi naota?

Simu 12 – Kwa kweli leo usiponieleza hii mesej ulikuwa unampelekea nani atakufa mtu shenzi mkubwa

Simu 13 – Nilishakwambia usirudie kunywa pombe au ntakuacha naona umechoka kuishi na mimi

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Barua kwa Mungu

Siku moja mfanyakazi wa Posta akiwa katika kazi yake ya kupanga barua alikuta barua moja imeandikwa "Kwenda kwa Mwenyezi Mungu". Akashangaa lakini kwa udadisi akaamua kuifungua. Ilikuwa imeandikwa:

"Ee Mungu, mimi ni mwanamke mjane, kikongwe wa miaka 85. Jana wakati natoka hospitalini niliibiwa pochi yangu ambayo ndani yake ilikuwa na akiba yangu ya muda mrefu sana ya shilingi laki 1. Kama unavyojua nilikuwa na mpango wa kuwaalika kina bibi na wazee wenzangu kwa sherehe ya kutimiza miaka 85. Hapa nilipo sijui nitafanya nini. Mimi nimemua kukuachia wewe kila jambo kwa sababu sina tena tumaini. Watoto sina, wajukuu sina, shida tupu, sina anayenijali na kibaka naye umeacha hadi akaniibia. Nimeona tu niandike kukueleza jinsi gani moyo wangu umeamia. Nisamehe kama nimekosa. Naomba msaada wako. Ni mimi mja wako, Mwagito."

Jamaa aliyekuwa anaisoma akaguswa sana moyoni, akawakusanya wafanyakazi wenzake wakachanga hela ikafika 96,000 wakaituma kwa yule bibi siku ile ile. Wakawa wana furaha kwamba wamefanya jambo jema. Siku zikapita na baada ya mwezi jamaa akaona tena barua toka kwa yule yule bibi ikiwa imeandikwa "Kwenda kwa Mwenyezi Mungu". Akawakusanya wafanyakazi wenzake wote akaifungua wakaanza kuisoma.

"Ee Mungu, sijui nikushukuru vipi kwa maajabu uliyonitendea. Nilifanya sherehe nzuri na wazee wenzangu na nashukuru kwa kuniwezesha kufurahia siku hizi za mwisho katika uzee wangu huu na nimetoa ushuhuda kwa marafiki zangu juu ya matendo yako makuu. Hata hivyo hela ilikasoro shilingi 4,000. Nadhani wizi huo ni kazi ya wafanyakazi wa Posta maana ni wezi, walafi na wasio na huruma hata kidogo., Ni mimi mja wako Mwagito."

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Utajua kama unasimu ya KICHINA kama

1. Battery inajaa baada ya dk 3 ....

2. Simu ina Tv,microwave,torch,kikata kucha,mswaki,kiberiti cha sigara

3. Unaweza andika Msg kwa tooth pickii

4.kuna matatizo ya kimaandishi mfano Nokla,Blackderry,Samvang

5.Ndege ikipita ,simu inaandika 1 missed call

6.Ukiwa karibu na lorry likawashwa kitu kinaandika "Charger Connected"

7.lazma iwena Simu card Mbili na bettry mbili

8.kukiwa hamna umeme inaandika "insert sim card"

9.ukipost status facebook ina post 10 nyingine bila ww kujua

10. Ukipita karibu na mchina uku bluetooth ikiwa on ,simu ina onesha new hardware found,please enter pairing code_____!

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Mida ya maakuli hiyo!

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Pastor mwenye guest alikataa jamaa mmoja aliyekuja na mama mtu mzima kupata chumba akisisitiza kuwa guest yake hairuhusu uasherati.
Yule mama akaja juu na kumwambia Pastor kuwa yule kijana ni mwanae, basi wakapewa chumba.
Pastor akamtuma muhudumu mmoja akachungulie kwenye dirisha la wapangaji hao ili kuona kama kweli ni mtu na mzazi wake.
Baada ya muda muhudumu akarudi na jibu, ''Mzee kweli wale ni mtu na mtoto wake, nimemuona yule mama anamnyonyesha mwanae..''

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NDANI YA MATATU...
DEM: "Samahani kaka, naomba unipakate.."
JAMAA: "Haina wasi...njoo tu nikupakate."
DEM: "Haya."
JAMAA: "Inaonekana wee ni sekretari?"
DEM: "Ndio...mbona?"
JAMAA: "Vidole vyako laini kweliii!"
DEM: "Na wewe ni Fundi magari?"
JAMAA: "Ndio, umejuaje?"
DEM: "Hapa nilipo naona nainuliwa na kitu kama Jeki!!"

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In USA when husbands arrives from job, "Hi hun am home"
In britain, "Hey sweetpie am home"
In Kenya, "Muriripa birr(bill) ya maji,shukua hio nyama mupike"

In USA after kufika wife naye anakuambia.. "Welcome hun,hows Work"
Britain, "Welcome home my sweet husband"
In Kenya, "Baba Shiko hio ni fombe unanuka."

In US when going to bed they say, "Good night my love."
In UK, "Sweet dreams darling."
In Kenya, "Funga mrango,dirisha na washiria tyson(doggy)"

Lol dont u just luv 254...Nipe Like kama unajivunia 254..

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CHALI:aki babie,nakupenda­ sana na nataka kukuoa
DAME:hehe,kweli­,kaa unamaanisha,bas­i kuna vitu nataka usare ndio unioe.
CHALI: kwani,wee taja chochote mi ntaacha,ni vitu kama?
DAME: keroro sana.
CHALI: sawa!
DAME: kuenda kwa nightclub usiku.
CHALI:sawa hata hiyo ntaacha,ingine?
DAME: mabeshte!lazima­ uwache kuenda kuwatch ball na mabeshete?
CHALI:mmmmmmm sawa tu,kuna ingine?
DAME:lazima uwache MAN.U na join arsenal!!
CHALI:haha na ya mwisho??
DAME:mmmm,nafik­iri kuna moja nimesahau,hebu nishoo,ni gani??
CHALI:ile umesahau nii,hii idea ya kukuoa pia niache!!!

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BOY: A, B, C
GIRL: What?
BOY: Always Be Careful
GIRL: Ahan then?
BOY: D, E, F, G
Girl : ??
BOY: Don't Ever ForGet That
GIRL: Hmmm...
BOY: I'm H I
Girl: What H I ?
BOY: Happily In love
GIRL: So ??
BOY: J, K, L, M, - Just Keep
Loving
Me
GIRL: And how about N, O,
P, Q, R,
S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z ?
BOY: No Other Person
Quite,
Reasonable , Shall Treat U
Very
Well Xcept me You'll Zee

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Jamaa kaenda hospitali
DOKTA: Unavuta sigara?
JAMAA: Ndiyo
DOKTA: Ngapi kwa siku?
JAMAA: Pakti 1
DOKTA: Sigara moja shilingi ngapi?
JAMAA: Shilingi mia
DOKTA: Du kwa hiyo kwa siku unatumia shilingi alfu mbili kwa fegi tu?
JAMAA: Ndio
DOKTA: Umeshavuta kwa miaka mingapi?
JAMAA: 40
DOKTA: Kwa hiyo umeshatumia shilingi 2000 x 365 x 40= Shilingi 28,480,000/-
JAMAA: Dah ndio
DOKTA: Unajua ungekuwa umeziweka akiba hizo fedha saa hizi ungekuwa na gari zuri sana?
JAMAA: Dokta we unavuta sigara
DOKTA: Hapana
JAMAA: Gari lako liko wapi?
DOKTA: Sina gari.
JAMAA: Una pikipiki?
DOKTA: Sina pikipiki.
JAMAA: Una bajaji?
DOKTA: Sina.
JAMAA: BASI CHAPA MWENDO!